DENIAL
by theultimateoutsider
Summary: Well, the title says it all. It's one shot. The story is pretty short so please read to the end before you start judging:


Disclaimer: I don't own The Outsiders

A/N I'm taking a break from my other story. I have a lot of ideas and greasertwin is helping me out. But I just didn't get around to it. When I do, it most likely will be more than one chapter at once.

Anyway here is the story.

**Denial**

I stood next to the hospital bed in disbelief. I am a master of denial and when things don't go well I just can't accept that. I usually just keep saying to myself - no, it will all work out and things will turn out fine. It's not optimism. It's ignorance, refusal to accept reality. I stood by the hospital bed, trembling, shocked. The doc. said earlier that Johnny's not going to survive. But it takes a lot more than just words to get through to me, to make me see reality, to make me see things as they are rather than what I want to pretend they are. I made myself forget the doc's words and kept convincing myself that Johnny will pull through this and he will survive. And I don't care for statistics and survival rates and what degree these burns are.

But now standing next to Johnny's bed looking at his motionless body, seeing how he is unable to tilt his head, because it hurts, how he is so tired and it's hard for him to speak - he looked so helpless. A week ago he was still healthy and laughing and even though he had it bad at home, and his overall life was far from perfect, he was still able to love life. And he was able to take care of himself and he had his friends. But now he was so helpless and almost not alive. It was suffocating me, killing me inside. I felt shots of sharp pain in my chest - on the left side. The reality finally got through to me. He is d... I was not able to say the word - not even inside my head. He is going, leaving, no, no, no. I felt shaking, like everything around me was collapsing, my world was collapsing. This isn't fair, out of all people not him, not him! I felt like I was drowning, unable to swim. Like the waves were closing over my head and I was chocking on the water. I took a few steps back and leaned on the wall, afraid that I'd fall otherwise. Johnny's eyes were closed. He didn't see - thank God.

Pony was standing across from me, on the other side of Johnny's bed, biting his lips, silent tears streaming down his face. Dally was next to me a few minutes ago. He was pulling Johnny's hand and screaming desperately for him not to die. Now he was in the corner of the room, and he looked like he was going to go mad. His eyes met mine for a second, and I felt scared by how much pain, anger and agony was in those eyes. I tried to hold back the tears, but I couldn't. I couldn't hold them back anymore. I broke down. I thought I was going to choke on my tears. I was in pain. In physical pain and mental pain. I don't know which one is worse... Death is a horrible thing. I can't accept it. I don't, I don't accept death. I know we go to Heaven, and all that, but it still doesn't make sense. It just doesn't make sense. Why? No, no I cant' accept it.

Johnny opened his eyes, bothered by all the noise I was making. I felt close to hysterics. I couldn't get a hold of myself. Not even for his sakes. Pony was staring at me like I was crazy. I saw it flash before my eyes then how Pony was telling me yesterday that Johnny said he didn't want to die and he was never out of our neighborhood, and how he said that the lives of those kids were worth more than his life. That's ridiculous - there's no such thing! Everyone's life is worthy - especially his.

Before I knew what I was doing I knelt down next to Johnny's bed and grabbed his palm with both of my hands. "Johnny please, please don't," I whispered, and I saw a tear slide down his cheek. Great, I made him cry. I couldn't make even the last minutes of his life to be peaceful- I'm so selfish - the thoughts were running through my head. I took off my little silver cross and put it gently in Johnny's palm. "God please, please let him stay. He needs to stay here." I saw Dally turn his back towards me as I started to pray, despise in his eyes. For a second I thought he was going to come up and smack me or something. But he didn't. Just turned away. I felt Johnny's grip tighten around my wrist.

I was swamped with emotion. "God," I yelled, "I'd give my life for his any time. Please, please take _me_ if someone _has _to go." I wished I had those tranquillizers with me. The ones that I steal from my grandfather, but I didn't have any on me at the moment. I started choking, unable to breathe. "Please take me. I love my life and everything and I never take it in vain. I've never been suicidal in my life, even though I've been through a lot of shit, mostly due to my own fault. But I still wanted to stay here. I wanted to live, hoping for the best - _the_ master of denial. I would never give my life away, and I most likely wouldn't have gone to that church to save those kids. Even though I would have felt awfully bad for them. But right now I am willing to sacrifice my life for his. Even though I'm so scared of death. But I'm not 16. I'm older, and I have been out of our neighborhood, and I have done interesting things in my life, and I have seen things and places. I can go, it's ok - I can go. But he - he needs to stay."

I don't know if Johnny heard any of this - his eyes were closed. But I felt the grip of his palm around my wrist and I kept talking, yelling, almost convincing myself that as long as I kept talking he wouldn't leave. Then I heard someone's steps and the doctor popped his head in, saw me screaming and choking on my tears and said, "It would be best if you leave now." Both Dally and Pony stood there frozen. Dally - with almost indifference and a bitter expression on his face. Like it was over, and nothing mattered anymore. Pony - totally lost and overcome by grief - he's just a kid, and he's seeing the death of someone close for the second time in his fourteen years. The doctor made a few steps in my direction, stretching his hands towards me like he was going to pull me away from Johnny. "Dally," I yelled, "get him out of here, get him out of here!" Dally, who seemed completely detached at the moment, turned around abruptly and pushed the doctor out of the door, "you were supposed to save him," he yelled angrily, "you were ... you were supposed to save him." The doc attempted to get back into the room. "Hold the door, hold the damn door, Dally," I yelled. He pushed the doc out and held the door tightly, "Give us a break, give us a fuckin' break," he said through sobs. There was a moment of silence, and then I heard the sound of steps going away from the door.

Johnny opened his eyes and stared into some point in space behind me - like he saw something that I didn't see, couldn't see. Then there was complete darkness and I felt sharp pain in my temples. Excruciating pain. The cross fell on the floor.

I opened my eyes. I was in a hospital bed, and my whole body was really sore. I had a huge headache. I saw Dally, Pony and Johnny standing by my bed, looking down at me with great concern in their eyes. Johnny was... STANDING - I smiled and then sighed in relief. "It's ok," I said, "it's ok, it's the right thing to do..."and I closed my eyes. As I was closing my eyes I noticed the silver cross was now hanging on the side of the headborder of my bed. One of them must've put it there. "Thank you," I whispered and smiled.

When I opened my eyes again it was really dark and cold, and I was outside. That's odd, I thought, and noticed that it was hard for me to think for some reason. I looked around. I was in the lot and lying down, my head on the curb. Bright stars above me. Then I noticed the whole gang was there too. All of them - Darry, Two Bit, Soda , Steve, Dally, Pony and Johnny. That was nice. I haven't been able to see all of them at once lately. One or two were always somewhere else at the time. They looked at me funny, there was almost fear in their eyes. Darry approached me first. "Try to seat up," he ordered. I set up, wondering why he said _try_ like it was some impossible task. "Where does it hurt?" he continued in grave tone of voice. What's wrong with him, what's with these questions? Is it supposed to hurt or something? I thought. I stood up, staring at him like he was drunk. "It doesn't hurt," I said simply, and started walking in the direction of my house. Maybe I am the one that's drunk. This was too weird. I figured I'd go home, and I can figure this out later, when I'm not drunk, or when they are not drunk...

I walked into my house, took off my shoes and washed my hands. And then, as I was wiping my hands, I saw these images flash in front of my eyes. Just like in a movie only without sound. Hospital, hospital, hospital bed, Johnny, little silver cross, Dally's eyes, doctor, the wall I was leaning on, warmth of Johnny's palm - NO! I remember now! I remember! I felt the silver cross on my neck. Then I ran out of the house, forgetting to turn the water off, and hardly pulling my sneakers on as I was running out. "Thank you," I whispered, "thank you, thank you, thank ..." tears were running down my face. I felt their warmth and it stung a little. I was out of breath. I'm not a good runner at all. But I kept running.

When I reached the lot they were still there. They were sitting on the curb and on the ground, kind of in a circle, Johnny in the middle of the circle. I almost fell on the ground next to him. I wanted to say something, but I couldn't find the right words, and I was out of breath on top of that. I hugged him and felt his hands around me and his fingers press hard into my shoulders. He smiled a little. It was so nice to see him smile and not upset or helpless. It was overwhelming. I hugged him tighter and let my sobs out.

A/N Someone emailed me asking me what the name of this person is. Basically, the name of the person is not important. It is just _my _thoughts on what happened to Johnny and how _I _feel about it and about death. All those things that this person says about life and not being suicidal before and all that are true for me. You probably noticed that you can't even tell for sure if this is a guy or a girl. I did that on purpose, because that's also irrelevant. (Just for the record though, I'm a girl:)) So, basically It could be anyone just another friend that they had, but in a way that's me. Hope that clarifies it:) Oh, and the fact that it was set in the 60's and it is 2006 now is not relevant either, because like I said this is just my thoughts on what happened.


End file.
